Hi Shawn,
I am looking forward to our collaboration on this blog. As we planned, this blog will be about the frustrations of dating and finding love later in life. Just to introduce myself to the readers, my name is Nick Furnese. I am a 55 year old business owner and author. I went through a divorce late last year which ended a marriage of 20 years. Why did I get divorced? There were a number of reasons, but perhaps the most important one was that the passion left my marriage a number of years ago. I believe that passion and intimacy keeps a long-term relationship going and that if you don’t have it, the relationship literally runs out of gas. That’s my viewpoint from a male point of view and I think a lot of the male readers would agree with what I’m saying.
So, let me kick off the first topic in our hopefully long series of discussions. I recently encountered an interesting article in the March 2013 issue of Salon Magazine. In the article, the female author describes her experiences about joining Match.com. I found her comments below particularly illuminating and relevant to my situation:
In four-fifths of them (middle age marriages), the men want to have sex way more often than the women do. I would say almost none of the women would care if they ever got laid again, even when they are in good marriages. They do it because the man wants to. They do it because it makes the men like them more, and feel close for a while, but mostly women love it because they get to check it off their to-do lists. It means they get a pass for a week or two, or a month. It (sex) is not on the women’s bucket lists. I’m sorry to have to tell you this. Salon Article
I am grateful that the author was so candid because I feel she speaks the truth. Now I do understand that being a woman is difficult. Bearing and raising kids takes a lot of energy. However, if I am a man looking for a passionate long term partner and if 4/5 of the potential candidates I encounter are truly not interested in passion, then is my dream/fantasy/goal of finding romantic love at this stage my life realistic? I do believe I have a lot to offer, I’m a decent -looking guy who keeps in shape and is very attentive with a desire to please. So as a professional matchmaker, what do you have to say?
Nick Furnese
Hello Nick,
I really understand that sex is an important part of the relationship for a man and while reduced interest is a reality of most “mature” women. I know from all the men and women I have talked to over the years that there is only a small % women between mid-40s to upper 50s who possess a strong sexual desire that lets them really enjoy and initiate sex. This is the reason why men pursue younger women. While ladies have a hard time accepting this reality, it is a fact that must be recognized. I believe that before women look for their next partner, they must make the decision to either look for a companion to share a life where sex is just not a priority with either individual (this must be clearly communicated up front) or they look for a long-term relationship where intimacy is a top priority. This is an important part of the screening that I do for my clients, I want to ensure that who I match are on the same page on this issue. If a women is only comfortable with the first option, they must recognize that their choices will be limited.
If a lady is not that “motivated”, but there is chemistry between potential match partners and she wants to have her relationship last for the long haul, I do have some thoughts which will improve the odds for success:
1. Consult with your Doctor and get all the panel tests done and see if there are any recommended meds or natural remedies that can improve the libido.
2. Purchase some fun sex toys to get yourself going before you find your future partner. Learn how to use some other popular items with your new man to spice things up a bit and this will help you to avoid falling into the usual “routine sex”.
3. Do not get in the routine of offering “mercy sex”. Men do know the difference and they will start losing interest quickly when they can sense that their new partner is not really into it. I realize most men would choose some mercy sex over no sex at all, but truly feeling their partner is really “turned on” is what keeps them interested and committed.
4. Having an honest discussion about what each desire and your fantasies so that your intimate time is pleasing and fun.
5. Consult a sexologist about your challenges and see what wisdom and techniques he or she can offer you to become more sexually fulfilled.
6. If you are fortunate enough to have a close male friend who can “tell it to you straight” about what men are really thinking and want, you may come up with some extra pointers and will pleasantly surprise your future partner in the bedroom.
7. Surprise him and do invest in some sexy lingerie, light some candles, plan to play some “in the mood” music. Do this and you can be confident that the effort you put into this area will keep you in his thoughts and heart.
8. Listen to some of your favorite music to elevate your mood before you see your man. Getting out of the work mind-set and forgetting about the to-do list is a good thing before sex.
9. Send him some sexy text messages before he sees you during the day. This will make him really hurry to see you (who cares if he is a little distracted at work).
I know this is not what some women will want to hear but if a man is not sexually satisfied in his relationship over a period of time, there is ALWAYS another women who will be willing to take on this activity in place of you. Those are the facts and are based on the hard reality of the number of single women vs single men. Women certainly have another option and that is to choose to be content being single and all the wonderful advantages that life style offers. We all have choices, so women shouldn’t act so surprised when relationships end due to lack of intimacy. Love is an action word and it takes effort on both sides to keep the relationship going strong and committed.
Shawn Alderton
Affluent Amore
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